There are so many thoughts going on in my mind but only one feeling reside: I feel worthless.
Nights like this when I don’t know how to sort everything out. Everything feels like a flaked memory turning into ashes… And I don’t know which of which should I pick up first.
I know I’m used to this. Nights when I am sad and crying because of a lot of things. Nights when all I do is cry so as I could fall asleep. I have issues I know. But remembering that I am not used to that kind of set up anymore makes me even more sad. That whenever I am sad there is someone I can talk to and share all my rants and ramblings about. And those nights were not like this anymore today. Everything feels new. Three x three the sadness.
But then again, looking back, all I could see is myself. Flaking desperately.
I am the flaked memory of my own memory. And the thought that nobody could save me from flaking makes me fall down even more.
I’m a mess.
I wish you tell me things. Not that I need it, but because I want you to. The thought of knowing it all makes me feel trusted and worthy of every word you’ll say.
I wish you tell me things. Because the fact that I know what you think makes me feel important and safe and that I am part of you. That we are one. That we are both, still, on the same ride.
I sometimes may object or correct you, but know that I always listen.
I wish you tell me things.
But you don’t.
And I am not sure if you will so soon.
I am so sad right now. I feel like….
Why can’t I write anymore?
We were slowly turning into something different - something unworthy and something bad. This is not us. This is not what we wanted us to be and how we had see things. We were becoming our own monsters. And my issues are going along with it, slowly coming back. I hate this. I don’t want us to grow like this. This isn’t us. We might both lose if we keep on manipulating this. I don’t like this. Do you?
Am I still worth it?